Interview With My Sri Lankan Mother-in-Law, Part 2

Here is the second part of an interview with my mother-in-law, Mrs. Beryl Reginald. To see the first part, please read my previous post.





Tell us a little about the boarding school that Nelson and Harry attended.
In keeping with our determination and dreams, we were overjoyed when we got an opportunity to educate our sons in one of the very few best, well-reputed Christian private colleges in Sri Lanka,  S. Thomas' College, Mt. Lavinia in Colombo, which was quite far from our home. Since it is extremely difficult to get admission at a later grade level, we determined to board them in the college hostel when they were six, with the assurance that the matron at the children’s hostel would take good care of them in all respects. I also had the satisfaction of both my brother and sister being in Colombo at that time, and they visited them often. Though it was heart breaking for all of us at the beginning, we had no regrets later. It was a good solid foundation preparing them for a successful life, opening a way for a bright future.

What things did you do to train your boys in the Lord?
I feel our very way of life made a great impact for them to grow in the Lord. Reading the Bible and praying was a daily practice both morning and night. We regularly attended Sunday Service, and the children went to Sunday School.  Reading Bible stories was a regular event.

For special occasions, like celebrating birthday parties, it was customary to invite the priest, as well as family members, friends and relatives, we had prayer meetings followed by a fellowship tea party. In the same way, we too had quite a number of opportunities to participate in events where prayers and worship were of priority.

What are some of the hardest things to get used to in Canada? What do you like most?
When I first came to Canada in winter, it was quite difficult to manage the cold. I found it difficult to move about freely and also felt the loneliness of missing my home, my loved ones back home, and being indoors most of the time.

But all these shortcomings were nothing compared to the happiness, contentment, and satisfaction of being with my son, playing the traditional role of helping raise the grandchildren, and  helping fulfill the desires of my late husband of seeing both my sons married and settled well in life. It gives me a world of happiness and peace of mind to see both my sons with a family of their own and also being able to meet together and enjoy the fellowship and being of help and strength to one another. I am also very pleased and well satisfied with all the facilities available, along with peace, order, justice, human rights, and a friendly environment.

What are your dreams for your four grandchildren?
I am greatly blessed with the gift of four wonderful grandchildren and thank God from the bottom of my heart. I claim the promises of God. Grandparents are proud of their grandchildren, while children are proud of their parents. My dreams and wishes are almost the same as I had for my sons but at even a much higher level of than my sons. I believe in faith God has a blessed wonderful plan for each of them—Jacob, Sheishan, Lucas, and Atarah. My prayer is that with all the sacrificial love, care, and parents’ guidance, along with those who would be influencing their life, they would develop all their God-given talents and abilities to the full potential. I also pray that they will be children of great character, have good attitudes and values, and live a very successful, happy, contented long life for the glory of God making the parents feel proud of them and reaping the rewards of their hard labor. I would also like them to follow the family traditions, unity, fellowship, culture and values of ancestors and wish them all the best in life.

Interview With My Sri Lankan Mother-in-Law

My mother-in-law, Mrs. Beryl Reginald, and her husband raised two sons in Sri Lanka, a country just south of India and about the size of West Virginia.  I was very happy that she was willing to answer a few questions about life when they were small. "Amma" (the Tamil word for mother) moved to Canada in 2004 and lives with Nelson's brother, Harry, and his family. She taught for more than 30 years at an all-girls middle school and is now helping take care of her grandchildren--three boys and one girl.  This is Part 1 of the interview; the second half will be posted in a few days.


When the boys were small (before school age), how did you manage to get everything done, in addition to teaching school?
We were greatly blessed by God with the necessary help, provisions, and guidance in every step of their growth. Since I was entitled to only six weeks of maternity leave, we had to employ a helper for a small salary to take care of our children during our absence. I had to be away from home from 7:45 am to 2:30 pm, and my husband was gone from 6:45 am to 6 pm. Fortunately, my husband’s father and my parents were more than willing to help us, to make sure one of the family members was always home. In the beginning,  my brother, who was waiting at home before he entered the medical college, was happy to help us during the day to make sure everything was done perfectly at the house and Nelson’s needs were met during our absence.  We used to get up very early in the morning to cook and get everything ready for the children before we left home. We also made sure to spend quality time with the children while we were home, which gave us great satisfaction and happiness.

What did your family enjoy doing together?
As a family we just enjoyed being together, playing, going for walks, going shopping on our way home from church and having snacks and sorting out things once we got home. There were times when we would all be in the kitchen while I got ready to cook. My husband would scrape the coconut (one coconut was used every day to cook curries in the coconut milk). Nelson and Harry would try to help us peel onions, which was a great mess, but we enjoyed the fun. Both Nelson and Harry were overjoyed to meet their father after work at the railway station, so every now and then, I would take them to the station and we would come home with both walking on either side of the father. Visiting family members, relatives, and friends as a family was really exciting.

Describe a typical family dinner back then.
It was mostly dinner we had together, starting around 7:30 pm. Usually I prepared the food and my husband fed them or saw them eat.  Then we would eat. Both children liked roti (a flat bread made with rice flour) made in various shapes and enjoyed it with butter and jam while we ate it with pol sambol (a dish with scraped/grated coconut and chilis) and leftover curries. For variety, we’d make thosai, string hoppers, and pittu (all are variations using rice flour). Egg hoppers (kind of like thin, crispy pancakes in a bowl shape) were their favorite. Other favorite foods were eggs in any form, pudding, tropical fruits and especially a glass of milk before going to bed in the night.

What were your dreams for your boys when they were small?
When our sons were growing up, as toddlers we started to recognize their interests, God-given talents, and abilities. Our dream was to create a suitable environment within our means, and we were determined to sacrifice in many respects to do our very best for the welfare of our sons, We wanted them to excel in their field of interest, and we enabled them with a sound education with a Christian background. Our will was for them to be sons of great character, to shine well in life with God’s blessings, and be God-fearing children free of pride, growing up physically, spiritually, and intellectually.

Raising Our Children in an Intercultural Marriage

Nelson and my wedding was a classic case of East meets West.  I’m sure it was the first time that anyone had worn a saree to my parents’ small country church in Indiana, surrounded by cornfields ready for harvest. Most of the ladies on the groom’s side were wearing beautiful sarees, and a groomsman sang a love song in Tamil while my sister sang “How Beautiful” by Twila Paris. On that day, two people, from Indiana and Sri Lanka (a small country south of India), came together as one. 

Then came our two boys.

I feel like we’re still novices in parenting, but here are a few thoughts on our intercultural marriage and raising our boys.

Unity in Christ
Nelson and I are both Christians, and our shared faith makes it a lot easier to deal with the other issues of marriage. That includes raising our boys.  From the beginning, there was no question that we would raise our children to know the Lord and that they would go to church every Sunday. We pray with and for them every day. As parents, we pray for wisdom, direction, and patience (that’s a big one) every day.

Broader Worldview
Before we were married, a coworker told me, “Your children will be children of the world”. I don’t know that I’d go that far, and Jesus said believers are not of this world, but we have to live in it.  I know what she was trying to say, though. I’m sure our boys will be well-traveled and have a much broader worldview than either of us had growing up. My first flight on a plane was as a junior in college when I studied abroad in Germany. Nelson’s first flight was when he came to the U.S. for grad school. In contrast, both of our boys had passports by the time they were 3 months old. Jacob has flown twice already.

We live near Washington DC, which is much more ethnically diverse than where I grew up. In my MOPS group alone, there are three other women who married foreign-born men. I can think of 10 families, just off the top of my head, who attend our church and are interracial couples.  Jacob’s best friend has a black mother and white father.  Because of this, I don’t worry as much about the boys feeling like they don’t fit in. I hope that they will feel like it’s normal to have parents of different races and cultures. I expect that they will have friends of several races and have an appreciation for what different cultures contribute to the world.

Appreciation for Both Cultures
Nelson’s mother and brother’s family live in Canada, so we see them a few times a year. We’re not brave enough to take both of them on the long flight to Sri Lanka, yet. Hopefully one day.  Nelson is teaching Jacob how to speak and read Tamil, his mother tongue.  I doubt that he’ll ever be fluent, but I hope that it will help him identify with his heritage. It’s true that a preschooler picks up languages MUCH faster than an adult. I gave it up after a few weeks.

I grew up on a farm in Indiana, and we usually go to the 4-H fair every summer when we visit.  Jacob enjoys playing with his cousins, taking rides on Papaw’s tractor, and eating corn on the cob. When we go to Canada to visit Nelson’s  family, they have a large community of Sri Lankan friends, and Jacob is exposed to more of their dishes and customs. He likes playing with his younger cousin, too, when he’s not bullying him. Sharing toys is still an issue.

Learning to Eat a Variety of Foods
When we were married, I learned how to cook some Sri Lankan and Indian dishes through cookbooks and Nelson’s mother. I think any woman marrying a foreign man should learn to cook some of the dishes he’s used to.  I like to cook, so it was fun at the time. Most women know you can never make it “as well as his mother does”, but I try my best. Now, with a baby and 3-year-old, I’ve reverted to more pizza, spaghetti, and chicken nuggets than curries, but some day I won’t be so exhausted—hopefully. 

While Jacob was a baby, though, I worried about how I’d cook meals that both a toddler and my husband would like.  (Sri Lankan food is really, really spicy.) I grew up eating Midwestern food that’s pretty bland in comparison, but more kid-friendly, I think. Thankfully, Jacob is a pretty good eater and will eat my curries as long as I don’t use chilies. I prefer it less spicy, too.  Nelson can mix in some chili paste if we have it. Jacob loves a good beef curry and roti, as well as Hoosier sugar cream pie. Nelson eats whatever I fix and doesn’t complain. I figure it’s a compromise for all of us, and I don’t stress out about it nearly as much as I used to.

In some ways, I think it’s good that we had two boys. They have the same ethnic mix—half Tamil, and whatever I am (about half English/Scottish and half German). They’ll hopefully be able to identify with each other and blame us when they’re older if we totally screwed them up. Though I remember a lot of fights with my sisters, we’re best friends today. I hope they’ll be best friends for life, too.

How Should Children Address Adults?

When I was a girl growing up in Indiana, we almost always called adults by their first name. The only exception was teachers, whom we called Mr. or Mrs/Ms "Last Name". I don't think it was out of disrespect that we used first names only, but just less formal.

Since living in Southern Maryland, though, I've realized that most of the locals teach their children to address adults by Mr. or Ms. and their first name. In an effort not to offend people, I'm trying to teach Jacob to do the same.

But, to add more etiquette rules to the mix, my husband's family is from Sri Lanka. In that culture, you call anyone older than you "Aunty" or "Uncle". Anyone belonging your grandparents' generation is called "Pati" (Grandma) or "Thatta" (Grandpa), whether or not they're technically a grandparent. Actually, since several of their friends have 3- or 4-syllable names that I don't pronounce correctly or remember, that's not such a bad thing.

In the US, anyway, I'll teach him to address all adults by Mr. or Ms. "First Name", and they can let him know if he can use their first name only.

How do you teach your children to address adults?